NOW what’s this all about then? No entries for a billion years then here we go with another entry immediately after yesterdays. There is a reason for that and I shall endeavour to explain it to myself in the hope that it becomes clearer to myself if to no one else.

Sit down Corkish; you are about to be psychoanalysed by your self!

Corkish: Now then; upon re-reading yesterday’s entry it dawned on me that hiding from you lot out there certain ‘things’ because I am different may have sounded a bit ‘creepy’. IF there is anyone out there (and I doubt there is) it may be that they are thinking that I am hiding things because they are distasteful to ME; that I myself am afraid or even ashamed of my own self…

Psychotherapist Corkish: You worry about what the other people out there may think. You fear they will misunderstand or come to conclusions that give a false perspective.

Corkish: Partly that; it’s not exactly ‘fear’ though because I am (literally) fearless; I don’t care what others actually think about me and I always speak my mind. I guess it’s more me wrestling internally with exactly who I am and at my age that seems like something I should have gotten over decades ago.

Psychotherapist Corkish: Is there a sense in which you are unsure about how you yourself feel about being so ‘different’?

Corkish: Yes; I think that may be it. I mean I might as well tell you what is ‘different’ about me because this is all in confidence right? OK: two things spring to mind and they are to do with taboos I guess.

Firstly I have a real problem accepting society’s ‘norms’ with regard to drugs laws. As you know, once upon a time I had a serious drugs and alcohol problem but I got over that and now am (contentedly) a controlled drinker who takes the odd illegal-substance to be sociable or to relax. And I’m fine with that, really, no problems at all. BUT quite recently I met up with an old-flame whose alcohol problems have now been overcome but only because she resorts to what I would call ‘recreational drugs’. She has problems accessing these drugs and told me that she feared when she didn’t have them she might resort again to alcohol which she says will ‘kill me’. Because I myself mix with a really broad spectrum of people I have easy access to any substance under the sun and that presents a dilemma; do I get some stuff for her? Or do I pass on a dealer-contact? I wrestle with that because I know (as a professional) that if I did and it came to light I’d lose my job and I am good at my job.

Psychotherapist Corkish: You paused and looked thoughtful; do I sense this dilemma is still ongoing?

Corkish: No. I resolved it in keeping with my own morality and am content to live with any outcome.

Psychotherapist Corkish: You resolved the dilemma with regard to your ‘old-flame’ who you believed needed either some substances which are or may be illegal and are content with that. You are content with what you have decided.

Corkish: Content to live with the outcome. Maybe not so content with the way people might view me if they knew what I was doing.

Psychotherapist Corkish: ‘Did you say you were ‘fearless’ and that you don’t care what others think? Does that sit well with perhaps not being content with the way others may view you?

Corkish: Good point. I guess it’s deeper than that. It stems back to my past when my not-giving-a-damn hurt other people, people I love. Even hurting others then didn’t bother me but now, even though I am true to my own morality, I am much more concerned with not hurting other people whom I love. Do you see what I mean?

Psychotherapist Corkish: Your dilemma centres now around an emerging feeling that other people’s feelings, people close to you and whom you love, is in some way at odds with your core moral beliefs. Or maybe more that the clear black-and-white moral determinates are now shading to grey.

Corkish: Not exactly the latter, but that’s partially it. I shall ponder that and maybe we can come back to it. Anyway; I said there were two ‘taboos’ worrying me didn’t I? The other is to do with sexual morality ha ha ha; I guess I’m obsessed with ‘morality’ eh and maybe that’s right. I remember one woman whom I lived with who told me when she left; ‘I left because living with you was like living with my conscience’ and I know exactly what she meant. I am confident that I have moderated somewhat since we parted but I still tend to examine most things from my own moral-standpoint and to totally ignore society’s accepted ‘norms’. And to go further I do that because I arrogantly think society’s norms are all bullshit.

Psychotherapist Corkish: ‘arrogantly’?

Corkish: Well, maybe that word is a bit unbalanced or out-of-place, it doesn’t seem like arrogance to me but maybe it does to other people. Sometimes if I sit back and observe me I don’t like me very much and my own positivity sometimes scares me a bit. But that’s how I am; I’m certain that my own morality bares examination. Even with this other thing I am sure that I am right.

Psychotherapist Corkish: This other thing? The second ‘taboo’? You are sure you are right about your own morality?

Corkish: Yes. It’s to do with another girl. She’s a friend of a woman I am very fond of, my friend treats this girl as her daughter. We three went for lunch together (the girl is 15 by the way) and we all had great fun. Then my friend kind of dropped me in it by eliciting me without any warning as someone who would ‘frown’ on the younger girl’s current activities. Can I call the girl Beth just for convenience? It’s not her real name.

Psychotherapist Corkish: By all means. I sense that perhaps you didn’t ‘frown’ upon her activities at all? Is that correct or am I way off the mark?

Corkish: You are spot-on. I was actually much more annoyed at my friend that at Beth. Let me explain what the problem was/is: Beth had, like many girls do, a ‘crush’ on her English Teacher who was actually a student-teacher when they first met; he was I think about 24 and Beth was 14. Anyway it seems Beth met him one day when she was outside of school and she accepted his offer of a lift home in his car when it began to rain. Clearly it soon emerged that her ‘crush’ was in some way reciprocated and although nothing specific was said they swapped phone numbers. That was probably unwise on his part but what the hell; Beth aged 15 seemed remarkably mature to me and anyway one of my tenets is that people have to decide their own morality and stand by it.

Psychotherapist Corkish: So when you heard this story; you concluded that the teacher was ‘unwise’ but it didn’t unduly disturb you.

Corkish: Well it sure as hell didn’t disturb me as much as my friend’s presumption that I would support her condemnation of Beth did! That bloody infuriated me but I was kind of trapped.

Psychotherapist Corkish: You spat that out. I got a feeling of real anger there.

Corkish: I was bloody angry. Still am. How dare anyone presume my morality? But I sat there and listened while my friend humiliated Beth by explaining to her in the most patronising terms how I was a psychotherapist and might be able to help her see that what she was doing was wrong. It became clear (though it wasn’t actually said) that Beth and this teacher had embarked on an affair and I was delighted to see that Beth quickly got over her embarrassment and looking at me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye asked me for my ‘advice’. However I wriggled out of it; stated it was none of my business, which kind of angered my friend. Lot of anger here eh? Ha ha ha.

Psychotherapist Corkish: What happened to dissipate your own anger?

Corkish: Well it was a quick realisation that Beth, who is now incidentally a good friend of mine, was at least as mature as my 40yr old friend. As we said our goodbyes Beth asked for my phone number so she could seek my ‘advice’ on some other things and with my friend’s rapid nod of approval I handed her my business card. She got in touch the same day and immediately apologised for me having been put in a spot.

Psychotherapist Corkish: So now you and Beth are ‘good friends’? How did your friendship develop?

Corkish: We met, had lunch, I took her to meet some poet friends, eventually she introduced me to the English teacher and I’ll call him Peter. The crux of it all was/is that they have been having a relationship, sexual AND loving, since Beth was just 15. They told me they were in love. By the way Peter does not teach at her school now. To his credit he left before their affair became sexual and moved to another school.

Psychotherapist Corkish: ‘To his credit’?

Corkish: Yes, I saw that as showing respect for Beth’s feelings. Anyway; the point is, to put it crudely, I now have knowledge that a practising teacher is having a sexual affair with a girl who is under the legal age of consent. They are both now people whom I call ‘friend’. They know what they are doing, have tried to explain things to Beth’s real Mum (but without success so far) and plan to get married. I hope I get an invite. I WILL get an invite! But fuck me I have to keep my knowledge secret as do they and it all seems wrong!

Psychotherapist Corkish: That anger is evident again. Who is it aimed at?

Corkish: Oh society I guess; how the fuck can you make a law with regard to sexual love? How can you make a law which says that two people can’t express their love sexually because she is 15 and he is (now) 26? It just seems crazy to me! AND I guess what angers me most is that society makes me collude by forcing me to keep quiet about it. Let me tell you that both Peter and Beth love one another immensely, it’s clear to anyone with a brain. Beth is mature enough to know what she is doing and I resent the fact that they have to have sordid meetings in hotels or in his car.

Psychotherapist Corkish: Your anger stems from the way they are being treated by society but also because society some how compromises you and your own moral certitudes.

Corkish: Exactly!

Psychotherapist Corkish: Our time is coming to an end; is there anything you feel you need to add before we conclude this session?

Corkish: Just thanks for listening and thanks for not judging me. I think I understand better where I am; it hasn’t been cathartic but it has helped me understand myself. And I’m going to post this on my Blog; maybe it will provoke a re-action? Who knows. Though I suspect, as I said elsewhere, that in reality there is no one else out there ha ha ha.